How much can you do things that don't make sense? That's what youth is all about.
Maybe we thought that somewhere.
Ah, I've been taught nothing but questions with answers. Is it because of that?
What we wanted to know is always a correct answer that doesn't exist in the galaxy yet.
--RADWIMPS "Seikai" (18FES ver.)
I've been listening to RADWIMPS' songs recently.
Since the first time I watched a film by Makoto Shinkai and heard a song created by this band (
Makoto Shinkai's official band), I've been irresistibly obsessed. RADWIMPS' songs always give me a feeling that they sound good without vocals, and even if there are vocals, I can't understand them but they still sound good. Looking at the lyrics makes it even better, and I feel completely immersed. The lyrics of this song "Seikai" are very suitable to describe my state of mind over the past year.
Maybe it's because I was suppressed for too long in junior high school, or maybe it's because I changed my environment and became willing to express myself. In my memory, it seems that the important things this year happened in the second half of the year.
A New Life Starting from Summer Vacation#
The freedom and comfort of taking off the disguise can only be understood by those who have been hiding under the disguise for a long time.
Previously, when communicating with people online, I always didn't want to reveal any information about my real life, and I didn't want to communicate with people through voice. During the summer vacation, I went to Shanghai to attend Bilibili World 2023, and many online friends also bought tickets for the same day, so it was inevitable that we would meet at the event. The biggest feeling I had after returning from Shanghai was that when I communicated with these friends again, I no longer felt the barrier brought by the screen. After all, people can't escape from reality.
After overcoming the fear of communicating with others, it is inevitable to get to know more people, including some people who live in the same city. With the help and guidance of one of these friends, I learned to use Kotlin during the summer vacation and started trying to write my own projects. Although they are small and don't have much technical content, the process of going from 0 to 1 is always exciting. From the birth of an idea, thinking about the logic, and then writing the code, writing code seriously gives me a comfortable feeling. Whether it's finding a solution to a problem that brings me a little pride, or expressing my thoughts with code, after thinking, the code jumps on my fingertips and typing on the keyboard becomes a pleasure rather than a torment. This feeling is completely different from studying in school just for the sake of tasks.
High school life has also given me a lot of autonomy. In junior high school, my English teacher often said that I would never learn English well because I never took notes, but I still did things my own way. In the first half of my first year of high school, I took my first international exam and scored 7 in IELTS.
If you ask me if I have any resentment towards my previous teachers, I think I do have some. But at the same time, I am also very grateful to those who have appeared in my life, because without any one of them, I wouldn't be where I am now.
Taking a Step Towards the Real Me#
In October and November, I gradually revealed my gender identity as a transgender woman to some of my junior high school classmates, friends, and family members.
Actually, I have been suppressing my true thoughts for a long time, and it wasn't until this year that I was able to express them after breaking free from the sense of suppression from my family.
After the school started, I was very anxious and somewhat depressed. In the end, I couldn't relieve the psychological pressure on my own and went to a psychiatric hospital. After talking with the doctor for a while and undergoing necessary examinations, I received a case file with "gender dysphoria" written on it.
After that, I explained the situation to my parents. Although I didn't receive understanding, I didn't receive extreme feedback either. (Although it's difficult for them to accept it immediately)
Accepting my identity as a transgender person and making everyone around me accept it is a difficult thing. But fortunately, I have someone accompanying me, and that person is my boyfriend who already treats me as a girl.
I have known him for almost two years, but we established our relationship in the second half of this year. Because it's a bit special, in reality, I deny that I am in a romantic relationship, but it's easy to tell that I am loved while loving someone else. I have often been asked by emotionally sensitive female classmates in the same class if I have a partner (
I don't have a definite answer to how I should live my future life, just like what this song "Seikai" says:
I don't know how to convey my feelings. You forcibly pried open my heart.
I have been taught nothing but questions with answers. But starting from tomorrow,
I will go in search of my own correct answer. Until the day we meet again.
It's because there is no one who knows the exact answer that I feel anxious and confused. But the question of "human" itself doesn't have a correct answer.
Fill in the blank in the next space.
Please fill in the appropriate words in the next blank space.
"From the days without you, starting from tomorrow,
I will definitely, definitely ________."
The time limit is your future life.
The answer sheet is your future life.
When it's time to check the answers, I won't be here anymore.
So, the scoring criteria are your future life.
In the future, accompanied by anxiety and fear, fortunately, there are people walking with me. The first half of 2023 made me feel that it was the worst year, but the second half made this year destined to be an important turning point in my life.
I'm about to turn 16 soon, time really flies. Maybe in a few years, or decades, when I come back to read these childish words I wrote at the age of 16, I will have a different feeling, and I will laugh.